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2+1 is not crowded!

How the social, emotional and the biological requirements of our relationships are different from each other is already discussed in the article http://gyanalogy.com/love_sex_marriage/

When I am writing about the relationships I cannot stay away long from writing about extra-marital affairs. Men (and women) are polygamous by nature. Either one or any permutation or combination of our social, emotional or biological requirement takes us to extramarital relationships.

They are becoming an integral part of our lifestyle so much so that technology comes here as well for your gratification and there are around two dozen exclusive apps on extramarital affairs are launched over the past few years. Most (not all) start as casual as any friendships without serious intentions of betrayals. Sometimes such connections are deliberate action to come out of the boredom in marriage or to compensate any missing component (social, emotional, biological) in the marriage. During COVID19 the market of such apps saw a steep rise of around 70% subscriptions.

Avni (name changed on request) married for 15 years. A stay-at-home mother to a teenage daughter. She admits she is in an affair for more than a year now with Neel who is aware of her marital status. She was not inclined to this however her husband’s busy schedules and travel made her feel neglected so when Neel (name changed on request) happened she felt a fresh breeze. She believes she still loves her husband and cannot leave him or their daughter, hence undecisive about the future with Neel. Of course, her husband is not aware of this.

Aryan (name changed on request) married for 2 years, IT professional. Admits that he is in an extramarital affair since “In today’s world you cannot expect one person to satisfy all your needs and mind it I am not talking about only sex”. He denied revealing if either of his partners is aware of the fact.

Anika and Akshay (name changed on request) are married for 12 years. As per their claim theirs’ is an open relationship and admits to us, sitting together that they have been to few flings now and then. They are immensely in love with each other and do not want to separate anytime. Encounters outside are just adventures.

Zayan (name changed on request) 10 years of marriage, IT professional. A Super cool dad to two boys, is another one I found to hear about extramarital from says “You need to break the monotony in life, my affairs outside marriage make me feel in ‘love’ again, and also helps me to return happily to home every day. His wife is not aware of his life outside the home, however, he ensures that the girl he is dating is not looking for a stable or long term relationship.

I advise setting the ground rules for yourself while getting into an extramarital affair both to avoid any heart-breaks and legal harassments going forward. Have a checklist of the following.

1. PURPOSE. If not everyone else, you should know the purpose of this relationship. Ask yourself a few ‘Whys’ to ensure if it is adding value to your life. Be responsible. Keep it written somewhere, and read it occasionally. This will keep you grounded.
2. RULES. Set the rules in both the relationships. Whatever may be the set of the rules, so that the other person can choose to stay or leave. Respect others.
3. OPENNESS. Be open to everyone involved, to avoid surprises and heartbreaks. There are several crime stories around extramarital affairs. You might land into one if you are not cautious from the first step. Moreover, your enjoyment should not become someone else’s heartbreak. Honesty pays.
4. COMMITMENT. Be clear with your commitment level in both the relationships. Not honouring any commitment is a ‘big no”. Don't invite unnecessary baggage. Equality is key.
5. MANIPULATION. Stay away from manipulating any of the partners just because of your sake. Do not be in it only for sex, if the other partner is not convinced for the same.
6. FALSE EXPECTATIONS. Do not create false hopes, if you cannot stay for long-term let that be clear from Day 1. An Extra martial does get into a divorce followed by a marriage sometimes, so be very sorted about the needs and wants.
7. MENTAL PEACE. Do not get into anything that destroys your mental peace because you are craving for this to get peace to some extent.
8. HYGIENE. Get dirty but let hygiene be the first priority, it is not great for sexual health to have multiple partners, maintain a very high level of hygiene and preferably do not get into hickies, smelly perfume or cologne, lipstick on the shirt etc...
9. PRECAUTIONS. Use condoms to avoid unwanted pregnancies for two reasons, firstly, abortions are not great options and, secondly, a child out of wedlock is not respected in our society. Get yourself checked for STDs regularly.
10. DO NOT JUDGE. Do not judge either of your relationships by producing a list of loopholes to any of your partners. While walking away, walk away respectfully.

Truth is once the thrill subsides, consequences could be many from a split to a crime in an extreme case, so choose carefully.

Paromita is a leader in People Practices with a knack towards solving problems. An IIM Bangalore alumna and a story visualizer, her focus is on bridging the gap between education and industry by supporting fresh graduates to kick-start their career and helping the women to return to the workforce after mandatory breaks. 

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