In-Dependence with Independence!

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What happens to my “Me Time” when I am living with my spouse?

The modern-day love is not composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. In the practical demand of today’s society, it will be wise to accept love is an amalgamation of two personas. It is also composed of granting freedom to each other. A partnership of EQUALS.

We have an article by Sohini Sarkar on Date a girl who loves solitude, having “Me Time” while staying with spouse is a step above this. To love others, we need to love ourselves first, and from self-love comes a sense of freedom.

Love is where trust is, to begin with -

  1. Respect individual space.
  2. Make your partner feel secure in the relationship with your commitment.
  3. Embrace compatibilities, compromise on incompatibilities.
  4. Hang out with your friends, do not give up your circle.
  5. Take holidays individually as well.
  6. Retain your food habits, hobbies and interests.
  7. Do not force your decisions on the other person.
  8. Do not forget your ambitions, career and other choices.
  9. I even say possessiveness is romantic, however, do not let it be an obsession.
  10. And do things together too, offer the same as above to your other half as well.

As I say love is not a dream, you cannot put your relationship on ‘auto-pilot’ mode ever, even when you are independent. With freedom comes the great responsibility too.

It is most blissful to be in an intimate relationship and live with the joy of ‘Love’ in the heart forever, however, in our mind the following questions linger around ‘I’ or ‘Me’ when we co-depend?

  • Will I change as an individual?
  • Will I be able to cope up with the compromises on the way?
  • Will I have to take permissions for everything I will do?

Will I be happy and joyful if I need to ponder around the above questions all the time? Or this will make me claustrophobic, resulting in an unhappy me in an unhappy relationship.

I did not go through many discussions before writing this because the insights were there right from the couples I spoke to for my earlier articles and of course my own experience.

Ritu and Vivek take co-parenting seriously. When Ritu is travelling for work or takes a vacation with her friends then Vivek plays the role of both parents to their son happily. During Vivek’s outings with his bunch of friends, Ritu drives everything. They both give space to each other to rejuvenate and it helps to maintain a healthy relationship. No wonder they are happily married for 15 years and still enjoying life.

 

Devayani and Amit, Amit was the active one as a parent when Devayani embarked on her entrepreneurial journey as her job demanded more dedication in the beginning. They take the family trips, his trips, and her trips to return home rejuvenated. This is how they found the balance between ‘I’ and “We’ in a modern-day arranged marriage.

There is an old saying which I am rewriting –

“If you love someone set them free if they stay with you forever, they are yours else the love was not there ever”. I will put down my 3Cs’ of relationships, here again, stay committed, communicate and compromise you will receive the freedom certainly. (check my article – sMiles Together to read in detail about 3Cs) No arguments, no drama just choose the 3Cs to create your formula of the perfect relationship.

Freedom comes with security, if you feel secure in your relationship you will let your partner be free and vice-versa. Contrast to the regular concept that you lose your freedom after commitment, commitment and freedom goes hand in hand. Together with the idea of freedom comes the security, as much as you can make your partner feel secure with you they will inevitably let you be free. The relationship brings in responsibility and living up to the responsibilities is the true commitment.

When you let each other to be completely free, you are letting them be purely themselves and yours forever. There is a need for ‘me-time’ for any individual, which is essential for the growth of a persona. By trying to control our loved ones we end up trying to make them someone else, which is toxic. Dependency on each other should not be forceful but by choice. It is loving and insightful to discuss career, finances and well-being with the partner but when done without any obligation.

Relationships are meant for bringing joy to our lives, let your other half explore what they want. Since in the current ages we enter a relationship at a quite later stage of our lives we tend to become independent by default. Do not forcefully take away the independence of your other half when you meet them. There is always an “Our Life”, “Your Life” and “My Life”. Neither ask the other person to change nor you try to change yourself forcefully. Both the individuals should evolve with time by each other’s’ support to have the best lives together. Remember every individual goes through different life experiences and circumstances because of which they are who they are.

Don't be moral police to your partner, understand their past and why they behave in a certain way today. If you need constantly to pretend as someone else at your own home how would you feel? Suffocated? Isn’t it? Not able to be genuine at home is another trigger to extramarital affairs.

Home is where our heart is, and not a place of imprisonment. Together create a home where you would love to return every day with joy in the heart and harmony all around.

Set your loved one free today, if you want a soulmate, a best friend forever make your independence a dependency!

What should I write about next? Comment below for me to explore.

Paromita is a leader in People Practices with a knack towards solving problems. An IIM Bangalore alumna and a story visualizer, her focus is on bridging the gap between education and industry by supporting fresh graduates to kickstart their career and helping the women to return to the workforce after mandatory breaks. 

She wants to make the world a better place to live for every life on earth. She is a passionate animal lover, loves to write poetry and her encounters with ghosts (real or imaginary :)) during her leisure. She believes if there is a will, any relationship can go long run with the right balance.
The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in the article belong solely to the author.

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James Annaswamy
September 1, 2020 11:36 am

Morally policing isn’t a wise step though commitment in relationship is something which must make our respective partners to morally police themselves. Moreover it applies on ourselves too. And if you are entering in a relationship, you should embrace your partner with all his or her compatibilities and incompatibilities. Your choice in entering in a rationship must be totally your’s not a result of a forceful emotional attempt or anything else for compromises in selecting a partner in relationship won’t be bearing sweet fruits but bitterest ones only. If i am thinking of selecting a partner (spouse to be precise)… Read more »