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What takes it to run long?

In the age of instant gratification do you ever wonder how some relationships survive the test of time? Love? Money? Family? Love marriage? Arranged marriage?

Let us ponder over a few facts and stories to understand what works and what is a “NO-NO”

The number of divorce cases has gone up in recent times -- it went from 0.50 per 1,000 marriages in 1988 to 13 per 1,000 in 2019. However, to equate this increase to the “arrogance” of the rich and the educated is a stretch, say experts.

Feb 19, 2020, Deccan Herald

Though there is no perfectly balanced formula for a happy relationship the basic foundation stays the same, in the lights of Management studies, I will say the three C’s of relationships, 3Cs.

Communication + Commitment + Compromise

In today’s world, “compromise” might be a frowned upon the factor, however how many times in a day we compromise in the situations not involving our spouse? Many a time, isn’t it?

So why cannot we compromise when it comes to the home?

There is always a WIN-WIN situation that you both need to find out together with a “Never give up on each other” attitude. Opposite poles attract. If the other half is different from you understand that differences are beautiful to embrace rather trying to change the person. Have the right balance of compromises. There are changing expectations more than ever. Role changes, change in lifestyle choices, changes are there in the priorities we have in our lives today and all these differ a lot than how it was 20 years or 10 years ago, and it is going to be different down the line too. Relationships will win against time only when we mould ourselves.

Commitment, stay committed, stay in love. True love is a constant commitment. Are you committed to each other 100%? Do not beat around the bush. There is nothing called “open relationship”. There are no ‘greys’, you can either be there or not. Security wins trust. Define your Purpose - Why you want to be together? Togetherness is the only right reason, you should always hear your inner voice saying “because you want to be with the person” and no other reason should ever cross your mind. Commitment should always stay as an unconquerable fact.

I repeat the old saying “Communication is the key”. It bursts every bubble on the earth. Let the other person speak up too, communication is listening and speaking. Do not throw surprise on the other, if there is love and there is a connection, convey your feelings, thoughts, problems frequently. Acknowledge or refuse when the other person conveys. If you do not like your partner to be out with their friends frequently, convey it, do not expect them to know without you saying that. Or if you are not comfortable in disclosing your income to your partner let it be open. Share your darkest fantasies and deepest desires too, physical intimacy and satisfaction are as important as any other factor.

Be Practical, Love is not a Dream. Love is living together with someone every day under every circumstance, accept them as they are – the good, the bad, the ugly, the ups, the downs, the highs, the lows, all of it. People and situations of life cannot be “tailor-made” or constant, you have to live with whatever comes.

“Sometimes the sparkle of the golden roads will outshine everything, but when it is dark let the spark in the eyes for each other shine brighter” Love is not going to solve everything by itself, but you can solve everything by holding each other strongly at every situation.

The below pointers in might help you to run your marathon,

• Keep that EGO aside. Relationships are beyond ego.
• Respect each other, ambitions, priorities, finances, expectations.
• Have clarity on Finances. Commitments, responsibilities, requirements, what to share, what not, how to spend/save?
• Set the expectations right, if you cannot meet certain demands so it be, let the other know.
• Together set your priorities right, career, family, money, holidays, spirituality, kids, make a list together.
• The choice about expanding the family too should be an agreed-upon decision.

Since the topic is vast I came up with the stories of only two very contrasting couples of different generations who shared their wisdom with me during my write-up.

Dr Krishna & Amitabha Mitra (Bhopal, 52 years of love marriage) In their words, we have come across this far with immense trust on each other. Together since 1956 from the final schooling days in Raipur Chhattisgarh. Amitabha says “Wife is always right” They never spend any time outside and the focus is always the well-being of the family. They sacrificed a lot in the process. Mutual respect, co-operation, understanding, dedication are the few more aspects they see as key in the relationship. When they got married Amitabha was a scholar and Krishna was the sole bread earner, which never became an issue to them, they always did household chores together, and encouraged each other to thrive better in their respective careers. Krishna received the most coveted award from President of India in 1988. Unlike other couples, she never went for shopping and the department was always managed by him. Together they are parents of three amazing daughters and five incredible grandkids.

Devayani & Amit Deshpande (Bangalore, 14 years of arranged marriage) Met through an arranged marriage set-up, for them it's been a journey of self-discovery, adjusting and creating the togetherness. In short, it was a journey from "I" to "We" and after the first few years of togetherness, that's become our collective motto, they say. Understanding, perseverance, mutual respect, communication are their mantra of the marathon. They say ‘there is no auto-pilot mode, you need to work on the relationship every moment’. Explore each other and explore. They always take a complementary approach and work on each other’s feedback willingly. They are trying to overcome each other’s mood swings and unpredictable outbursts. They suggest to celebrate every milestone of life together no matter how small it is and include each other for all big or small decisions of life. Both worked as IT professionals, however, Amit had let Devayani chase her entrepreneurial unconditionally. Together they have a naughty munchkin to make the life extra spicy.

Human by nature looks for a soul-mate, and if you are lucky enough to have found the one do not let anything to take away this bliss.

If you want to read or know about any particular aspect of this topic, please feel free to comment for us to present the same.

Paromita is a leader in People Practices with a knack towards solving problems. An IIM Bangalore alumna and a story visualizer, her focus is on bridging the gap between education and industry by supporting fresh graduates to kick-start their career and helping the women to return to the workforce after mandatory breaks. 

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