Are all your friends getting married? You don’t know how to find a right life partner? You are still struggling if I should do Bumble or matrimony site?
Probably you are struggling to balance the six things which are critical in today’s relationships.
1. Need for Companionship
Today’s generation is looking for just companionship and not all the responsibilities which come with marriage. Many of us look for a partner to travel together, have life experiences together and get emotional support. Our emotions are truly reflected in the comments we make while talking about relationships — “I want to have a partner so that I meet him/her every day when I get back home”, “I want a partner with whom I can open up emotionally and feel safe”, “It just gets super lonely and boring to be alone all the time”, “I want someone who is interested in knowing about my work and understands all stressing things in office”
It is very difficult to find a single person who is fun, emotionally available and understands your work. We make mistake by just looking for “What I want”. It is not about your needs all the time, you need to make space for the other person too to make the relationship meaningful and fulfilling.
2. Career Aspirations
Most of us look for professionally successful and rockstar life partner. 3–4 years out of college, majority of us are putting in long hours in jobs we have gotten comfortable into, have that fire of “proving myself” and do not have any family responsibilities. In short, we are almost at the peak of our careers.
We meet people from same band as ours who are also at the peak of their careers. We judge people by their salaries, cars, branded accessories/ clothes and not based on their talent or hard work. Success is very ephemeral. Look for someone who knows “what struggle is”, who can remain calm even when he/she knows he/she is failing, who has self-confidence of rising after falling, who has that “fighter spirit”.
Every one of us has a “Dream girl/ guy” image in mind when we think about soulmate. Your decision on whom to meet and whom to reject is just a swipe away and mostly depends on the physical appearance. Think of those friends with whom you can open up , share your tensions and frustrations — do all of them look like supermodels? Then why this obsession for “Dream partner”?
Our self-demands constrain us from being open minded and accepting the other person as it is. Maybe it is time to double check the non-negotiable items on your self-demands list.
4. Family Expectations
Many of us come from tier-2 cities and humble family backgrounds. We are like those electrons in the atom who constantly want to move to next orbit from lifestyle and openness on trying new things perspectives. However, there will be clashes if you want all the electrons around you to move to next orbit together (changing everyone’s mindset in family).
If you belong to typical Indian family, you would struggle to find that sweet spot where both self and family expectations are met. Your partner is going to become part of your family and hence it is absolutely necessary for the family to like your partner. On the other hand, it is you who is going to spend 30–40 years with partner hence your choice is also critical.
Making a list of all family and self-expectations and finding the overlap always helps. Identify things which are must haves and things which can be compromised; spending those 15 mins with paper pen and putting serious thought to it will definitely help.
5. Peer Pressure
“Everyone around me got married, I also want to get married” is the very natural human reaction to loneliness. Fear of missing out (FOMO) and loneliness are killing us inside and pushing to take decisions in rush.
“Keep meeting people” is the only mantra which is going to help you. Meet as many people as possible to understand what you don’t want or what is complete no-no for you. Going on a 4–5 days trip with your potential partner will give you so much insight into his/her perspectives of life than going on multiple dinner dates.
6. Social Perception
How do my colleagues and friends perceive my life partner? Remember how much these friends have praised your ex when you both were together? Now remember these same friends what did they say about your ex after you broke up?
The picture you paint about your life partner is what your friends are going to believe in. Their opinion does not matter. If you are happy in your life, your friends and colleagues will accept your life partner.
These six factors might look obvious but too much focus on one of the factors or imbalances across the factors is the reason for struggle. Let’s start fresh and try to balance all factors!!